It's very common for people to get the eager questions from friends and family following a year or two after a wedding. "When are you going to have kids?". In your attempt to open a casual conversation, you may have just hurt the person you loved with a very very personal question.
You see there are some people who don't want kids, there are couples who have fertility issues and then there's a couple who just as of last week experienced a miscarriage.
My reproductive schedule is no ones business but my own with my husband. People need to learn that their invasive questions can seriously carry some hurt. I'm tried of people not realizing how hurtful they're being with what they feel is a very simple question.
That co-worker you just teased saying "you're next" or "So and so beat you." is now a crumbling mess because she just got news yesterday that her pregnancy is not viable but you won't know that because she suffers in silence taking each jab deeper than the next with every harmless comment you make. She is now reminded of her empty womb that once carried a tiny life.
That Daughter or Daughter in law that you just said "When are you going to make me a grandmother/father?" May now be feeling the weight of her infertility struggles even more. You think they aren't trying but truth is she and her partner have been going back and forth to the fertility clinic for the past 5 months after a full year of trying to get pregnant on their own. If you looked at her arms you'd see the small burises from all of the blood work she's endured. Her hidden belly riddled with poke marks from the fertility medication she's taking every day in hopes to one day be a parent.
The friend you just asserted "When you have a child there is no greater love" just felt the sting of your words as they've decided as a couple that they do not wish to have children. But your assertion makes them feel like they aren't deserving of a 'family' title because they don't have kids by choice or by circumstance. You've just put down her choices and implied the love she has for her husband and possible fur babies pale in comparison to the amazing love you get to feel now that you have kids.
People STOP asking about other peoples reproductive choices. Stop joking about potentially hurtful topics. I hope that this message reaches one or two people who may have done something similar above to a friend. You don't know everything going on in peoples life and you could have just turned a great day into one of grief and sorrow. Choose your words and understand their potential impact on someone else.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
Perspective
It's been 2 years since we were blessed with our sticky bfp. So much has changed yet in the same breath some things remain the same.
I have sat many times to make this post and each time I end up deleting it. I'm nearing a point where I don't know how well my voice is heard on this topic any more. I'm not sure if I can still speak about infertility because we ended up with a rainbow baby. This has been my struggle for 2 years. Having a community be apart of your life for 4 years is a strange thing to leave. Albiet with great news but you're in a new situation and one you know is hard to sometimes share with those still waiting for their happily ever after.
I feel for everyone still in the fight and I hope all of them get to experience this confusion I still have. Because that means that your journey has been successful.
I have almost fully disconnected from my online communities. Not because I don't care but because I find myself not knowing what to say any more. I miss it but at times I want to do more for the community but in different ways. Walks, donations and helping women locally to me who are going through what we did. I've just helped a friend, well I don't know how much help I was. But the fact that I was sought out for advice and comfort was such an honor. It just squeezed my heart because I know it's not always easy looking for that help and support, especially with friends and family.
Do I still feel the bite of infertility? Yes, it's far less than it used to be. I find that I often compare (horrible thing to do by the way, and isn't useful in any way), I compare journies. And I find myself in a way cynical to someone who may not have gone through the years we did and the time/ money. I find myself rolling my eyes at those expressing they'll never have kids if they've only been trying for less then a year. This comes as a surprise to me, perhaps not to others. But I don't like it. I thought the day I held our daughter in my arms that the bitterness would melt away. It hasn't, it's gotten better over time but I find those thoughts , those negative thoughts just creep back up. What I've been working on is becoming more empathetic towards any and all in the journey with special place in my who went through something similar to us, long time trying combined with losses that specific combination just gets me in the heart and I LEAP for joy when I see those people get pregnant. I need to stop comparing my journey to others and have come to understand that everyone processes their journey differently. Some aren't as strong, some are stronger. Some aren't phased by friends and family getting pregnant, some are. Some can easily show support for others happiness while others can't in their moments of grief. It's okay, it's what makes us human, it's what makes us our own person with our own thoughts and our own coping mechanisms.
As always my heart goes out to those still trying. May you find the support you need to help you through this tremendously tough and spirit testing time. My heart and well wishes are with you.
I have sat many times to make this post and each time I end up deleting it. I'm nearing a point where I don't know how well my voice is heard on this topic any more. I'm not sure if I can still speak about infertility because we ended up with a rainbow baby. This has been my struggle for 2 years. Having a community be apart of your life for 4 years is a strange thing to leave. Albiet with great news but you're in a new situation and one you know is hard to sometimes share with those still waiting for their happily ever after.
I feel for everyone still in the fight and I hope all of them get to experience this confusion I still have. Because that means that your journey has been successful.
I have almost fully disconnected from my online communities. Not because I don't care but because I find myself not knowing what to say any more. I miss it but at times I want to do more for the community but in different ways. Walks, donations and helping women locally to me who are going through what we did. I've just helped a friend, well I don't know how much help I was. But the fact that I was sought out for advice and comfort was such an honor. It just squeezed my heart because I know it's not always easy looking for that help and support, especially with friends and family.
Do I still feel the bite of infertility? Yes, it's far less than it used to be. I find that I often compare (horrible thing to do by the way, and isn't useful in any way), I compare journies. And I find myself in a way cynical to someone who may not have gone through the years we did and the time/ money. I find myself rolling my eyes at those expressing they'll never have kids if they've only been trying for less then a year. This comes as a surprise to me, perhaps not to others. But I don't like it. I thought the day I held our daughter in my arms that the bitterness would melt away. It hasn't, it's gotten better over time but I find those thoughts , those negative thoughts just creep back up. What I've been working on is becoming more empathetic towards any and all in the journey with special place in my who went through something similar to us, long time trying combined with losses that specific combination just gets me in the heart and I LEAP for joy when I see those people get pregnant. I need to stop comparing my journey to others and have come to understand that everyone processes their journey differently. Some aren't as strong, some are stronger. Some aren't phased by friends and family getting pregnant, some are. Some can easily show support for others happiness while others can't in their moments of grief. It's okay, it's what makes us human, it's what makes us our own person with our own thoughts and our own coping mechanisms.
As always my heart goes out to those still trying. May you find the support you need to help you through this tremendously tough and spirit testing time. My heart and well wishes are with you.
Monday, November 24, 2014
My letter - Dear Infertility,
It's time for me to write one of 3 infertility letters. Today I'm going to start with writing a letter to infertility.
---------
Dear Infertility,
I sit here looking at a blank page I want to write, I need to write to you. I need you to know that having a child after you, infertility doesn't mean I wasn't ever nor continue to feel your presence. While some people would want to scream in victory when they're no longer in your clutches there are times I'm hurt. You put that hurt there.. I hurt for those still experiencing what my husband and I endured all those years. I read blogs with a familiar nod, wanting to reach out and hug the deepest part of their soul that needs it. I read the frustration, feel the sadness and sense the hurt the deep deep hurt. You know the type of hurt that takes your breath away, clutching at the air for some relief feeling like nothing will take it away. That's the pain you inflict. I flock to sites like Resolve and fertility friend forums geared towards loss and women trying for a long time, finding myself wanting to wish what they want so badly into fruition. Infertility you were unfortunately my home for so many years, just because we were blessed with my daughter doesn't mean I should forget all those women online who helped me through the hell I went through. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't support them in return? Fighting against you? Our success doesn't mean their current pain and journey no longer matters, it doesn't trump it, not in the slightest.
Infertility you leave us feeling absolutely raw and perhaps the worst feeling of all, helpless. There are so many obstacles for couples and they come in an array of ways. Be it if they can afford to move forward with testing and seeing a specialist to deciding what ART path is right for them and their family. You cause women and men to make decisions that seem unfair, you cost so much to get any kind of help to MAYBE escape you. Then after that accepting whatever comes their way. You cause d obsessions, remember during my IUI cycles I had this need to not miss a cycle. This obsessive thought of what if that was our month? 3 years of that game just almost paralyzes you. Your life revolves around infertility, literally. Some won't take vacations because "what if" others have to let friends know if they're in a wedding party, because "What if." You make men and women feel broken, like an outcast, as if you have this list of who should have you in their life and who doesn't. You realize we scrutinize your criteria, right? loving couples, ready and willing to accept a child into their lives. You deny many of that without going through extensive lengths. Why? What is your criteria? Why do you continue to make people feel less deserving then others. Why? Why? Why? A question often asked time and time again when on this hellish roller coaster you have them on.
Infertility, you play a big "What if" mind game with people, and at times I want to say FU. No, I take that back, ALL the time I want to say FU! FU for hurting me, my family, FU for hurting my friends. Why do you have to hurt people in such a demeaning way stripping women of their womanhood before their eyes. Why do you have to leave women so scarred and changed that at times they don't like the face they see in the mirror. Why do you make it so hard to be genuinely happy, happy for others pregnancies, happy about your life. You strip us of so much happiness it's frankly unfair. It's a take it or leave it diagnosis. You have infertility, so what path will you choose? Will you continue or will you choose to live a life as a family of two with possible fur babies. Will you fight? Fight is synonymous with coming to peace with whatever path you and your significant other chooses, to be fair not chooses but are in some instances forced into. I always hate the notion that moving on as a family of 2 is in some way failure. When in reality it really doesn't encompass the struggle and fight those women and men have already been through. Kudos to them for enduring everything you've thrown at them and their family all of that it's a constant struggle I'm sure to come to terms with that dreaded situation. Seriously, Infertility FU.
I'm just fed up with you all together. I hate that there are others out there who have this deep deep hurt that goes beyond any emotion I have ever felt in my life. I'm beyond BEYOND grateful that in the end our arms weren't empty but the sad fact is for some women and men their arms remain empty from a child perspective. Some choose to fill it with animals, nieces and nephews. But it's just really not fair (and yes I know life isn't fair) but some of the most deserving couples are enduring this fight, are going through this silently. I can guarantee if you don't have infertility someone you know does and you just may not know because they are battling this hard hard battle in silence.
I'd be remiss if in this letter I didn't address those whose lives you've touched, and not in a good way. - For all of you still in this struggle you continue to be in my thoughts and in my heart. I'm sorry not out of pity but because I know the turmoil and deep hurt this causes. I'm sorry for all that you've endured, are about to endure and for the paths that may be chosen for you. I also want to take a moment to congratulate. Congratulations to all those who have found peace, be it with your own take home child (by birth or through other means and measures). I ask that those of you who have had a successful pregnancy(ies) always remember those still fighting this hard fight. Don't neglect to remember them, support them when you're able. Remembering doesn't mean you have to immerse yourself back into the dark hole where you once were, but it doesn't hurt to take a moment to acknowledge what was, what is and what will be for some. Infertility will always, always be apart of my life in one way or another. I write to my congress men to advocate for better infertility coverage and bills that involve infertility.
If you know someone who has infertility I challenge you to listen to them, don't say hurtful things, understand that while you may not grasp the pain their going through that your ear, respect and delicate approach to the topic is appreciated. Give them a hug, let them know they're not alone, send them a letter, let them vent and if the day should come where they're with child or about to adopt, rejoice with them. Be there and try as hard as you can to be sympathetic don't pitty them but sympathize with the hard journey they've fought and have a head of them. Not only in getting pregnant but staying pregnant.
----------
So while I say FU infertility. I extend so many hugs and love to those impacted by you. May they find the strength and HOPE they need to endure your wrath. May they come out on top with
Yes, FU infertility, I hope one day you will be but a word in the history books. I hope with everything I am, be it as unrealistic as it may be, that you, you are eradicated.
Not so truly yours,
Amanda
---------
Dear Infertility,
I sit here looking at a blank page I want to write, I need to write to you. I need you to know that having a child after you, infertility doesn't mean I wasn't ever nor continue to feel your presence. While some people would want to scream in victory when they're no longer in your clutches there are times I'm hurt. You put that hurt there.. I hurt for those still experiencing what my husband and I endured all those years. I read blogs with a familiar nod, wanting to reach out and hug the deepest part of their soul that needs it. I read the frustration, feel the sadness and sense the hurt the deep deep hurt. You know the type of hurt that takes your breath away, clutching at the air for some relief feeling like nothing will take it away. That's the pain you inflict. I flock to sites like Resolve and fertility friend forums geared towards loss and women trying for a long time, finding myself wanting to wish what they want so badly into fruition. Infertility you were unfortunately my home for so many years, just because we were blessed with my daughter doesn't mean I should forget all those women online who helped me through the hell I went through. What kind of a person would I be if I didn't support them in return? Fighting against you? Our success doesn't mean their current pain and journey no longer matters, it doesn't trump it, not in the slightest.
Infertility you leave us feeling absolutely raw and perhaps the worst feeling of all, helpless. There are so many obstacles for couples and they come in an array of ways. Be it if they can afford to move forward with testing and seeing a specialist to deciding what ART path is right for them and their family. You cause women and men to make decisions that seem unfair, you cost so much to get any kind of help to MAYBE escape you. Then after that accepting whatever comes their way. You cause d obsessions, remember during my IUI cycles I had this need to not miss a cycle. This obsessive thought of what if that was our month? 3 years of that game just almost paralyzes you. Your life revolves around infertility, literally. Some won't take vacations because "what if" others have to let friends know if they're in a wedding party, because "What if." You make men and women feel broken, like an outcast, as if you have this list of who should have you in their life and who doesn't. You realize we scrutinize your criteria, right? loving couples, ready and willing to accept a child into their lives. You deny many of that without going through extensive lengths. Why? What is your criteria? Why do you continue to make people feel less deserving then others. Why? Why? Why? A question often asked time and time again when on this hellish roller coaster you have them on.
Infertility, you play a big "What if" mind game with people, and at times I want to say FU. No, I take that back, ALL the time I want to say FU! FU for hurting me, my family, FU for hurting my friends. Why do you have to hurt people in such a demeaning way stripping women of their womanhood before their eyes. Why do you have to leave women so scarred and changed that at times they don't like the face they see in the mirror. Why do you make it so hard to be genuinely happy, happy for others pregnancies, happy about your life. You strip us of so much happiness it's frankly unfair. It's a take it or leave it diagnosis. You have infertility, so what path will you choose? Will you continue or will you choose to live a life as a family of two with possible fur babies. Will you fight? Fight is synonymous with coming to peace with whatever path you and your significant other chooses, to be fair not chooses but are in some instances forced into. I always hate the notion that moving on as a family of 2 is in some way failure. When in reality it really doesn't encompass the struggle and fight those women and men have already been through. Kudos to them for enduring everything you've thrown at them and their family all of that it's a constant struggle I'm sure to come to terms with that dreaded situation. Seriously, Infertility FU.
I'm just fed up with you all together. I hate that there are others out there who have this deep deep hurt that goes beyond any emotion I have ever felt in my life. I'm beyond BEYOND grateful that in the end our arms weren't empty but the sad fact is for some women and men their arms remain empty from a child perspective. Some choose to fill it with animals, nieces and nephews. But it's just really not fair (and yes I know life isn't fair) but some of the most deserving couples are enduring this fight, are going through this silently. I can guarantee if you don't have infertility someone you know does and you just may not know because they are battling this hard hard battle in silence.
I'd be remiss if in this letter I didn't address those whose lives you've touched, and not in a good way. - For all of you still in this struggle you continue to be in my thoughts and in my heart. I'm sorry not out of pity but because I know the turmoil and deep hurt this causes. I'm sorry for all that you've endured, are about to endure and for the paths that may be chosen for you. I also want to take a moment to congratulate. Congratulations to all those who have found peace, be it with your own take home child (by birth or through other means and measures). I ask that those of you who have had a successful pregnancy(ies) always remember those still fighting this hard fight. Don't neglect to remember them, support them when you're able. Remembering doesn't mean you have to immerse yourself back into the dark hole where you once were, but it doesn't hurt to take a moment to acknowledge what was, what is and what will be for some. Infertility will always, always be apart of my life in one way or another. I write to my congress men to advocate for better infertility coverage and bills that involve infertility.
If you know someone who has infertility I challenge you to listen to them, don't say hurtful things, understand that while you may not grasp the pain their going through that your ear, respect and delicate approach to the topic is appreciated. Give them a hug, let them know they're not alone, send them a letter, let them vent and if the day should come where they're with child or about to adopt, rejoice with them. Be there and try as hard as you can to be sympathetic don't pitty them but sympathize with the hard journey they've fought and have a head of them. Not only in getting pregnant but staying pregnant.
----------
So while I say FU infertility. I extend so many hugs and love to those impacted by you. May they find the strength and HOPE they need to endure your wrath. May they come out on top with
Yes, FU infertility, I hope one day you will be but a word in the history books. I hope with everything I am, be it as unrealistic as it may be, that you, you are eradicated.
Not so truly yours,
Amanda
Monday, June 30, 2014
Faces of Infertility and Loss - Emily's letter; a different perspecitve
Emily's letter isn't so much the typical definition of infertility. But from a stance of hearing when you're a teenager that your fertility years will likely be spent with troubles getting pregnant. Emily has PCOS much like I have and many other ladies. I hope that her journey to conceive is a quick one. Some women with PCOS get lucky and don't have any issues and or conceive in that first 'normal' year of trying. Here's to hoping that you are one of those women Emily.
Thank you for sharing your perspective as I'm sure there are others out there who have gotten news like this and need someone to relate to. I know this may not have been easy to share in such a public forum but I thank you for submitting your letter and sharing with us.
---------------
Intro:
Hi! I'm Emily! My husband and I aren't currently TTC, but I was diagnosed with PCOS at 13 and was always told to expect having a "difficult, if not impossible" time conceiving a child naturally. I've experimented with a lot of different medications and even trying to self-regulate my cycles without the help of hormonal birth control all to no avail. We've been NTNP for a little over a year and will start actively trying this Christmas. I have so many fears jumping into this, and I'm trying to find any way that I can to try and put off our start date so that I can somehow delay what I feel will be our inevitable disappointment. This letter is to my husband.
My darling N,
I remember like it was yesterday the day you suggested we go shopping for engagement rings. I was equal parts elated and terrified because I knew that this meant a really difficult conversation. I remember you showing me the most gorgeous diamond ring and I remember seeing the all-encompassing love you had for me in that moment reflected in the way you looked at me as I tried it on. And I remember that look never wavering when you first heard the words "polycystic ovarian syndrome" and the lengthy explanation that followed. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can still feel your arms around me as I sobbed through apologies to you for the certain fertility difficulties that lay ahead for us, and I can still hear you telling me that I was insane when I said that I understood if you couldn't be with me anymore. As often as I feel it, you've never once let me get away with telling myself that I'm somehow broken. You listen to my tearful blathering as I discuss all of my worries with you, and the more excited you get about baby stuff, the more I feel my heart swell with love but my throat constrict with fear. But you're still my shining beacon of hope... in spite of (or maybe because of) all of my crazy. Your constant reassurances that we'll be ok have started to sink in, and I can only hope to absorb and adopt that same optimism when we face the (almost inevitable) challenges in the coming year. I couldn't have asked for a more understanding, caring, and positive person to share my life with, and I know that this journey is going to be hard - one of the hardest things we may ever do (until it comes time to actually raise a child) - but there's no one with whom I'd rather face the oncoming storm.
Thank you for sharing your perspective as I'm sure there are others out there who have gotten news like this and need someone to relate to. I know this may not have been easy to share in such a public forum but I thank you for submitting your letter and sharing with us.
---------------
Intro:
Hi! I'm Emily! My husband and I aren't currently TTC, but I was diagnosed with PCOS at 13 and was always told to expect having a "difficult, if not impossible" time conceiving a child naturally. I've experimented with a lot of different medications and even trying to self-regulate my cycles without the help of hormonal birth control all to no avail. We've been NTNP for a little over a year and will start actively trying this Christmas. I have so many fears jumping into this, and I'm trying to find any way that I can to try and put off our start date so that I can somehow delay what I feel will be our inevitable disappointment. This letter is to my husband.
My darling N,
I remember like it was yesterday the day you suggested we go shopping for engagement rings. I was equal parts elated and terrified because I knew that this meant a really difficult conversation. I remember you showing me the most gorgeous diamond ring and I remember seeing the all-encompassing love you had for me in that moment reflected in the way you looked at me as I tried it on. And I remember that look never wavering when you first heard the words "polycystic ovarian syndrome" and the lengthy explanation that followed. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can still feel your arms around me as I sobbed through apologies to you for the certain fertility difficulties that lay ahead for us, and I can still hear you telling me that I was insane when I said that I understood if you couldn't be with me anymore. As often as I feel it, you've never once let me get away with telling myself that I'm somehow broken. You listen to my tearful blathering as I discuss all of my worries with you, and the more excited you get about baby stuff, the more I feel my heart swell with love but my throat constrict with fear. But you're still my shining beacon of hope... in spite of (or maybe because of) all of my crazy. Your constant reassurances that we'll be ok have started to sink in, and I can only hope to absorb and adopt that same optimism when we face the (almost inevitable) challenges in the coming year. I couldn't have asked for a more understanding, caring, and positive person to share my life with, and I know that this journey is going to be hard - one of the hardest things we may ever do (until it comes time to actually raise a child) - but there's no one with whom I'd rather face the oncoming storm.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Faces of Infertility and Loss - Ashley's Letter
Dear
women, and men facing infertility,
I
am sorry.
Not
that I am feeling sorry for you. But for not truly understanding your pain all
of this time.
I
am sorry for all those times when I may have made unintentional insensitive remarks
without realizing that those words I uttered cut through your heart. I was
ignorant about the pain of dealing with infertility.
I
am sorry for not approaching you to inform you that my husband and I were
trying for our son, and dropping the bombshell on you that we were pregnant out
the blue. AT that time, I thought I was protecting you from the pain of trying
to conceive, and did what I thought was right for you. What I did not realize
is that I have put you on a spot, and forced you to relieve the pain of being
childless.
I
am sorry for all those times that I have come across as ‘in your face’ with
pregnancy ailments, and complaints. I now understand you would give anything to
experience, even the downside part, of a pregnancy.
I
am sorry for all the baby milestone announcements. I did not realize that for
those women and men who have lost their babies that hurt to be constantly
reminded of not having a baby in their arms in the end.
It
is not until the second time around of trying to conceive that I finally
understood.
Swells of hope only to be
dashed within the seconds when you learn that this is not your month.
Constantly temping to pinpoint
whether you are ovulating or not.
Peeing on OPKs (ovulation
prediction kit), and anxiously waiting for the green light to go ahead to do
the deed.
Doctor visits.
Blood tests to be sent off,
and analyzed while you are in the limbo, wondering if there is something wrong
with you, and whether it is a quick fix or not.
Not getting a conclusive
answer from the tests and going back to square one of wondering what is going
on.
A frozen smile on your face
when your friend announces to you that she is expecting; you feel as if you are
a contradiction yourself, because you want so badly to be happy for your
friend, yet your heart is breaking, because you desperately want that baby for
yourself.
Suddenly, sex life becomes
scheduled.
Facebook becomes your enemy,
because you see nothing, but pregnancy announcements, and baby arrival
announcements.
Dealing with all the
unsolicited advice, well intentioned remarks that only makes you feel worse,
and having to fend for yourself against unspoken questions why you are yet
pregnant.
Getting a big fat positive on
a pregnancy test, and only to lose that within a few days.
Feeling as if you are sitting
on the sideline bleachers, and wondering when will it ever be my turn?
Yes,
I am sincerely sorry for not truly understanding.
It
is difficult to be dealing with infertility,
miscarriages, and infant loss in seemingly apathetic world. It is why it
is critical for the awareness surrounding the topics with infertility
to be
brought up, discussed, and shared.
Instead
of throwing unsolicited advice at someone dealing with infertility, please do
open your arms, and say, I am here for you.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
23,000 pageviews!
Managed to catch this today, how cool is that?! Thank you so much to everyone who's come to read my blog and the stories of others!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Faces of Infertility and Loss - Nora's Story and Letter
Intro Into Nora's Story:
Nick and I got married February 2nd, 2013. (I was ovulating on our wedding day, so our first cycle started January)
We are newly weds, I was finishing my licensing for work last year, and Nick transferred after 12 years from the Army to the Airforce. He will be training this October in Texas for three months.
Nick never actually responded to this letter. Which terrified me. However the next month he went to my first Creighton class, surprised me with knowing the answers to the questions (he had studied up), and now administers my 4 post peak HCG shots every month because there is no way I could watch it go in me! He changed over night after this letter. Although he never verbally said anything, or wrote me back... he instantly started supporting me. For example, when my sister in law announced she was pregnant, he simply walked over and wrapped his arm around me. Last month my best friend and I talked for 15 minutes very excitedly about her positive pregnancy test over the phone, and then I hung up and sat down... then started bawling because I simply was confused why I was broken. He moved over on the couch and hugged me and told me I wasn't broken and we would be fine. He held my hand for the rest of the night. I will never forget that.
I didn't realize that he simply didn't know HOW to calm me down. Now I feel so much better, because I am not taking this on alone. We have hope, and we will have our family
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Nick,
I don’t know where to start but I needed to speak with you, without crying, or getting defensive or making you upset with me. Agh, seriously, I don’t know where to start. I wish I could express to you the emotion that I go through, or the things that run through my head.
Let me start out by saying, I love you. More than I can express, even though I try to say it a million times. My days are better, and I am a stronger person because you are in my life and I whole heartedly mean that. I know we will have many journeys together, and life will be fulfilling because I know I have you to go through it with.
Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. Family is number one to me, and you know that. I thrive around the people I love most. Your success, your happiness and the happiness of our family seriously makes me feel like I am doing something right. That may sound silly, but it does. At the end of the day I could spend every moment with our families and with you and be content. Most of all I thank God, literally every day, to have you as my family and I couldn’t be more blessed.
I am going to be honest. When we got married I pictured you and I having a blast, ruling the world, talking easily together and overcoming all life’s obstacles, because it is you and I… and we rule like that. I feel we are very realistic and open and honest and truthful to one another. We have had two sets of parents who rocked at being husband and wives to each other and were great examples as well. I never thought it would be hard for me to talk with you about something. Until we started being open to having a baby.
Obsessing over this topic comes too easily for me, and we both know that. I also know it isn’t good for either of us if I do and I am really trying not to. I promise. I just need you to understand all the emotion in it for me, so that you understand how to support me when I need it.
I am terrified to talk with you about this topic, and it meant a lot to have you come with me Thursday to the doctor. I was really nervous to have you there to be honest and I don’t know why, but I knew I would need you one way or the other and it really made me feel like we were a team, and you and I were together going into it.
I am simply scared. There is no other way to put it. I think I assumed it was going to be easier to have a baby, because we have done everything the right way and when it didn’t happen when we were “not preventing” it started to worry me. Then it just grew from there.
To you, it may seem irrational, or too soon to worry and stupid to stress. But honey, I seriously can’t help it. I want to give you a family so badly. That’s all I want to be honest. If someone could say “In 18 months you two will be pregnant or will adopt” I would go about my day NOT being scared, because I would be fine knowing that for sure it will happen. But that’s not how it works, and so I feel helpless, when I like to be in control.
I want to have a family with you more than I want to achieve my career goals, or live in a big house, or travel. I want to have a little one who makes messes on the floor, who plays in the garage and watches you work on cars, a little one to fall asleep on our lazy Mona, and feed her their food. I want a little one who we can take camping, and you can teach them how to start a fire, and I can teach them how to make homemade pasta for their Dad. I want to go on walks, and take them down the slide, teach them their prayers and to run to you when you walk in the door from work. I want them to be stubborn and strong willed like us, to the point of frustration, where you’re laughing at me and reminding me that I asked for this.
I know we will somehow, but the unknown terrifies me and there is no way I can stop myself from being afraid. I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so strongly that I need to talk with you about being afraid, or when I struggle. But just approaching you scares the hell out of me because I don’t want you to think I am stupid, or silly, or crazy.
I have gotten better since working out, the not obsessing about it. I think I have been too busy these last three months to really think about it too much. But that doesn’t mean it is easy for me every day and I know you know that already. I will be good for a couple weeks. Then right before I start my period… I wonder. Then when my period does come it’s a wave of
-fear for the “what ifs”
- Jealousy of all those around me who have what I want so badly
-anxiety over whether something is wrong with me
- sadness for the emptiness I feel because of how desperately I wanted
- Even somehow relief over not being at “that point” yet
- And excitement for there to be another chance and more time for just you and I.
In ONE moment I feel a million things and it is overwhelming. It doesn’t mean I don’t have hope, or don’t think it’s all worth it, because within a day or so it all goes away and I am fine till the next month comes. But … in one moment I literally picture you and I raising a baby that I want to give you, picture every one of my close friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, picture us struggling with this for longer than we think we will.
Agh.. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just such an emotional process for me. There is good in it too. I feel in one year we have come so much closer and a lot of it is because I feel as though I NEED you to be here by my side. Whether you think it is obsessive or not when you hear it.
It may not always have been pretty, but every time we work through something together, every time we go to mass together or pray together, every time you grab my hand or hug me tightly, every time you wink at me, wrap your arms around me, help me with the dishes, joke about how hilarious I am, or just do those little things… I am reminded just how strong our life together is. I know we are way more open than what we would have been not trying to grow our family, because feeling all of these emotions has forced me to be upfront right away, whether I am nervous or not. It has always paid off too. I don’t know if I would have so quickly been able to talk about work stress or plans so openly, or talk about my dreams of our family.
God has given us more grace in one year than some couples ever experience, that I am certain of.
I am still scared honey. This topic of “what if” is an uncomfortable one for me and that is why I need you. It dwells in my mind, even when I try to push it away. When I said my vows to you though, I promised myself that I would trust you with my whole heart and soul to care for me. I know that you will be here for me through it all, just as willing as I would be there for you. I know you love me so much and care about me, and … I think… when you hear me stress about this, just like with anything else, it makes you mad because you know “there is nothing we can do about it and we just have to wait and see”.
I’m still just scared.
I think that I am coming across wrong when I am talking to you about it. When I come to you on this, I am terrified to even talk about it. I’m scared you will shove it away or say not to worry, because you don’t want me to think about it. But that doesn’t help me not worry, it just makes me feel alone and crazy. Infertility is seriously my greatest fear in life and I can’t change that, even if I tried.
I want you to know though that I am not all doom and gloom about it, I just only express the doom and gloom, because that’s when I need you there for me. I know we will have a family, and I know it will happen when the time is right, and that is probably what makes the few hard days harder. Because I can see us with a family. I picture it very vividly. Those day dreams are seriously so amazing and get me so excited and give me so much hope and joy.
I don’t know how I really want to end this letter. I just…. I need to hear your support. I know you may not understand just how much of a rollercoaster, or WHY it is such a roller coaster for me. But I have come to the conclusion... it just is, no matter how much I try to control my emotions. And I need you Nick. Please just hug me, and tell me some day we will have a family whether that is 5 years or ten years or next month, and that it is okay to want to move forward. Please just tell me that you are here for me, and that you love me and that you want a family with me too. I know all of this is true, but on those bad days, I panic and get scared. It helps to hear these things because it assures me that you are in this with me, no matter how easy or bumpy it is. Heck in one moment everything can change. Who knows maybe this month will be our month, or maybe we will have a Texas souvenir when I come visit you on base next year.. Or maybe 12 months, or 36 months or whenever will be our time. But in those moments of my own self-doubt, I just need a hug and you to say “We got this babe” because I know that we do. I just need to verbally hear it from you, so I am not afraid and feeling like I am taking it on all alone.
I love you so much. I hope you have a great day honey.
Your girl,
Nora
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick and I got married February 2nd, 2013. (I was ovulating on our wedding day, so our first cycle started January)
We are newly weds, I was finishing my licensing for work last year, and Nick transferred after 12 years from the Army to the Airforce. He will be training this October in Texas for three months.
Nick never actually responded to this letter. Which terrified me. However the next month he went to my first Creighton class, surprised me with knowing the answers to the questions (he had studied up), and now administers my 4 post peak HCG shots every month because there is no way I could watch it go in me! He changed over night after this letter. Although he never verbally said anything, or wrote me back... he instantly started supporting me. For example, when my sister in law announced she was pregnant, he simply walked over and wrapped his arm around me. Last month my best friend and I talked for 15 minutes very excitedly about her positive pregnancy test over the phone, and then I hung up and sat down... then started bawling because I simply was confused why I was broken. He moved over on the couch and hugged me and told me I wasn't broken and we would be fine. He held my hand for the rest of the night. I will never forget that.
I didn't realize that he simply didn't know HOW to calm me down. Now I feel so much better, because I am not taking this on alone. We have hope, and we will have our family
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Nick,
I don’t know where to start but I needed to speak with you, without crying, or getting defensive or making you upset with me. Agh, seriously, I don’t know where to start. I wish I could express to you the emotion that I go through, or the things that run through my head.
Let me start out by saying, I love you. More than I can express, even though I try to say it a million times. My days are better, and I am a stronger person because you are in my life and I whole heartedly mean that. I know we will have many journeys together, and life will be fulfilling because I know I have you to go through it with.
Growing up I always wanted to be a wife and mother. Family is number one to me, and you know that. I thrive around the people I love most. Your success, your happiness and the happiness of our family seriously makes me feel like I am doing something right. That may sound silly, but it does. At the end of the day I could spend every moment with our families and with you and be content. Most of all I thank God, literally every day, to have you as my family and I couldn’t be more blessed.
I am going to be honest. When we got married I pictured you and I having a blast, ruling the world, talking easily together and overcoming all life’s obstacles, because it is you and I… and we rule like that. I feel we are very realistic and open and honest and truthful to one another. We have had two sets of parents who rocked at being husband and wives to each other and were great examples as well. I never thought it would be hard for me to talk with you about something. Until we started being open to having a baby.
Obsessing over this topic comes too easily for me, and we both know that. I also know it isn’t good for either of us if I do and I am really trying not to. I promise. I just need you to understand all the emotion in it for me, so that you understand how to support me when I need it.
I am terrified to talk with you about this topic, and it meant a lot to have you come with me Thursday to the doctor. I was really nervous to have you there to be honest and I don’t know why, but I knew I would need you one way or the other and it really made me feel like we were a team, and you and I were together going into it.
I am simply scared. There is no other way to put it. I think I assumed it was going to be easier to have a baby, because we have done everything the right way and when it didn’t happen when we were “not preventing” it started to worry me. Then it just grew from there.
To you, it may seem irrational, or too soon to worry and stupid to stress. But honey, I seriously can’t help it. I want to give you a family so badly. That’s all I want to be honest. If someone could say “In 18 months you two will be pregnant or will adopt” I would go about my day NOT being scared, because I would be fine knowing that for sure it will happen. But that’s not how it works, and so I feel helpless, when I like to be in control.
I want to have a family with you more than I want to achieve my career goals, or live in a big house, or travel. I want to have a little one who makes messes on the floor, who plays in the garage and watches you work on cars, a little one to fall asleep on our lazy Mona, and feed her their food. I want a little one who we can take camping, and you can teach them how to start a fire, and I can teach them how to make homemade pasta for their Dad. I want to go on walks, and take them down the slide, teach them their prayers and to run to you when you walk in the door from work. I want them to be stubborn and strong willed like us, to the point of frustration, where you’re laughing at me and reminding me that I asked for this.
I know we will somehow, but the unknown terrifies me and there is no way I can stop myself from being afraid. I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so strongly that I need to talk with you about being afraid, or when I struggle. But just approaching you scares the hell out of me because I don’t want you to think I am stupid, or silly, or crazy.
I have gotten better since working out, the not obsessing about it. I think I have been too busy these last three months to really think about it too much. But that doesn’t mean it is easy for me every day and I know you know that already. I will be good for a couple weeks. Then right before I start my period… I wonder. Then when my period does come it’s a wave of
-fear for the “what ifs”
- Jealousy of all those around me who have what I want so badly
-anxiety over whether something is wrong with me
- sadness for the emptiness I feel because of how desperately I wanted
- Even somehow relief over not being at “that point” yet
- And excitement for there to be another chance and more time for just you and I.
In ONE moment I feel a million things and it is overwhelming. It doesn’t mean I don’t have hope, or don’t think it’s all worth it, because within a day or so it all goes away and I am fine till the next month comes. But … in one moment I literally picture you and I raising a baby that I want to give you, picture every one of my close friends who are pregnant or just had a baby, picture us struggling with this for longer than we think we will.
Agh.. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just such an emotional process for me. There is good in it too. I feel in one year we have come so much closer and a lot of it is because I feel as though I NEED you to be here by my side. Whether you think it is obsessive or not when you hear it.
It may not always have been pretty, but every time we work through something together, every time we go to mass together or pray together, every time you grab my hand or hug me tightly, every time you wink at me, wrap your arms around me, help me with the dishes, joke about how hilarious I am, or just do those little things… I am reminded just how strong our life together is. I know we are way more open than what we would have been not trying to grow our family, because feeling all of these emotions has forced me to be upfront right away, whether I am nervous or not. It has always paid off too. I don’t know if I would have so quickly been able to talk about work stress or plans so openly, or talk about my dreams of our family.
God has given us more grace in one year than some couples ever experience, that I am certain of.
I am still scared honey. This topic of “what if” is an uncomfortable one for me and that is why I need you. It dwells in my mind, even when I try to push it away. When I said my vows to you though, I promised myself that I would trust you with my whole heart and soul to care for me. I know that you will be here for me through it all, just as willing as I would be there for you. I know you love me so much and care about me, and … I think… when you hear me stress about this, just like with anything else, it makes you mad because you know “there is nothing we can do about it and we just have to wait and see”.
I’m still just scared.
I think that I am coming across wrong when I am talking to you about it. When I come to you on this, I am terrified to even talk about it. I’m scared you will shove it away or say not to worry, because you don’t want me to think about it. But that doesn’t help me not worry, it just makes me feel alone and crazy. Infertility is seriously my greatest fear in life and I can’t change that, even if I tried.
I want you to know though that I am not all doom and gloom about it, I just only express the doom and gloom, because that’s when I need you there for me. I know we will have a family, and I know it will happen when the time is right, and that is probably what makes the few hard days harder. Because I can see us with a family. I picture it very vividly. Those day dreams are seriously so amazing and get me so excited and give me so much hope and joy.
I don’t know how I really want to end this letter. I just…. I need to hear your support. I know you may not understand just how much of a rollercoaster, or WHY it is such a roller coaster for me. But I have come to the conclusion... it just is, no matter how much I try to control my emotions. And I need you Nick. Please just hug me, and tell me some day we will have a family whether that is 5 years or ten years or next month, and that it is okay to want to move forward. Please just tell me that you are here for me, and that you love me and that you want a family with me too. I know all of this is true, but on those bad days, I panic and get scared. It helps to hear these things because it assures me that you are in this with me, no matter how easy or bumpy it is. Heck in one moment everything can change. Who knows maybe this month will be our month, or maybe we will have a Texas souvenir when I come visit you on base next year.. Or maybe 12 months, or 36 months or whenever will be our time. But in those moments of my own self-doubt, I just need a hug and you to say “We got this babe” because I know that we do. I just need to verbally hear it from you, so I am not afraid and feeling like I am taking it on all alone.
I love you so much. I hope you have a great day honey.
Your girl,
Nora
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)